day one.

1. (list all your feeling that are emerging)
fine. annoyed. embarrassed. unworthy. selfish. unfair. disgusting. pathetic.

2. (describe your dreams as you remember them)
lately, my dreams havent been traumatic, they have been just weird like they usually are. relating to my friends and awkward situations.i dont want to act like im not happy, because i am. i have new bestfriends who make my life so much easier and fun and a new boyfriend; who was also one of my good friends; so im not sad and its not that i think about it all the time, its just i feel like i dont deserve to be close to anyone; i dont deserve to be touched or loved.

3. ("whats the worst thing for you right now?")
i think if i was still with michael; it would be worse for me, i think knowing that dave helped me through that day and being with him; knowing that its not the most important part of our relationship makes me feel more safe with him. telling him whats exactly wrong with me would probably be second in line. i have told limited people about this secret that i carry around with me and i havent gotten much feedback. talking about it hasnt helped much. but knowing that ashlie who has stepped in much more lately will be there and help me and talk to me about it without judging me; helps a little i guess. i feel like its been three months and i havent gotten any better; i just want to move forward.